


Darker Nightmares

by yourrhinestoneeyes



Category: Metalocalypse
Genre: Angst, Depression, Drama, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Mentions of Rape, Talk about the bad things Magnus did, mentions of child abuse, post doomstar, really bad nightmares
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-10-19
Updated: 2014-11-06
Packaged: 2018-02-21 18:04:23
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 15
Words: 22,147
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2477465
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yourrhinestoneeyes/pseuds/yourrhinestoneeyes
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Toki's mind has been a dark place ever since what Magnus did to him, every repressed memory has been coming to the surface for him and he doesn't know how to handle it all.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. We're Not the Same

He could not forget or move past what Magnus had done to him in that hell hole. His body was away from there, but his mind was not. His mind was splintered and stuck in too many dark places to even keep count. The memories of what Magnus had done to him were as fresh as the still healing wounds on his body, the new to him memories from his childhood were as old as the marks on his back. They were new to him, things he had blocked out to keep himself safe, but he'd been wrecked too many times now...There didn't exactly seem to be anything to protect anymore. He wanted to hide away in his own mind, to protect himself, but he couldn't do it.

He couldn't do a fucking thing anymore, it took so much work and hours of convincing himself just to leave his bedroom. He would spend days in there if he let himself. Toki would lay on his bed staring at his wall, he would try to convince himself to get up. Tell himself he should put a shirt on, cover up the horrid marks on his body. He should eat or he would get sick again, if he got sick again then Nathan or Pickles would lecture him again. He didn't want to be lectured by them; he still had the web pages up on his computer filled with blog posts and news stories about them out pretending he never happened. He didn't need people who answered with 'who?' in response to questions about where he was at telling him what to do. He didn't need them to pretend they cared or maybe in a twisted way they did care. He felt like he almost had too many problems to even get mad at them, he hadn't brought it up with them. Not yet. He was still healing.

His phone vibrated nearly falling off of the night stand. He picked it up and looked at yet another message, depending on who sent it depended on if he'd ignore it or not.

'You need to get up, Nathan said he's going to come get you if you aren't in the kitchen soon. Come on sweetie you need to eat something, it's not good starving yourself.'

He smiled to himself, he would reply to Abigail.

'Fine...I'll be there in a few minutes.'

He liked her, he felt bad that he had hit on her before. She was a good friend, he knew she still felt bad about the things that had happened to him. He tried to get her to understand that there was literally only so much somebody could do when chained up like that, she protected him the best that she could.

Toki climbed out of bed and began to dress, he took his dear time doing so though. He still didn't exactly want to leave his room, but Abigail had asked nicely and he didn't need Nathan pounding his door down for the second time this week alone. It had been a month, he felt he should be over this by now. What happened was taking its toll on all of them, nobody was really back to normal; he wondered if this was just how it would be now. God he hoped not.

Half way through putting his shirt on his phone went off again, he rolled his eyes assuming it would be Nathan messaging him to tell him to hurry the fuck up. 

'Tokis are you okay? Do you think we could talk?'

He felt sick and anxious seeing the message from Skwisgaar. It wasn't like the blond haired man had done anything wrong, he hadn't done anything wrong at all. Since the very second they got Toki down from the cross Skwisgaar had held onto him, had guarded him, had held his hand; in the hospital he had been by his bed side. He had been caring, he had cried, and apologized in every language that he knew fluently. Once Toki got out of the hospital it had changed, not Skwisgaar; Toki. He hadn't talked to him, avoided eye contact, and it was rare for him to answer a call or text from his friend. No it had nothing to do with Skwisgaar, he was being sweeter than Toki felt like he deserved.

He promptly deleted the text, with the sound of a final beep he felt the anxiety fade, but he still felt nauseous. He really needed to eat, then medicate; how much medication was he up to now?

He wasn't really sure and he knew that he should know the exact number, but there were days he even forgot to take pills or shots. He rubbed at his itching left eye and remembered there were drops for that, not like they actually did much other than make it hurt less. He pulled at his hair until it fell over his face and hid his left eye from view. It looked like his right eye, but slightly faded and off in color. Nobody else seemed to pay much attention to the minute change, but he noticed it; it was his eye, he couldn't do anything but notice it. He noticed every god damn mark, every cut, and infection. 

By the time he was half way to the kitchen he got another text, this time he knew it had to be Nathan demanding him to get his ass to the kitchen.

He found several of his friends in the room, everybody talking amongst themselves and on their second and third plates of foods if he knew his friends well enough. Abigail sat by Nathan's side, she had a hand on top of his; he would glance at her and smile. Toki had to admit he was happy that they were together, she was literally the only woman he remembered Nathan dating who didn't physically or verbally abuse him. Pickles sat close by, he seemed relaxed and happy; he didn't seem to care about anything that had happened before the funeral. That was the thing, it was almost like the dramatic crap that had taken place before then didn't happen at all. They moved past it. Toki wished he could move on from his own crap, but he couldn't. He just felt like he was falling deeper into that hole.

“Hey dude, about fucking time you come out.” Pickles said nodding in the younger man's direction.

Toki sat down next to the drummer, he offered him a shy smile and thanked him when he passed him a plate loaded up with food. 

“I was about to go carry your ass down here, you need to stop doing that starvation shit to yourself kid.” Nathan commented lightly chastising him.

“I know, sorry Nathan.” He muttered.

He ate what he could until he started feeling sick again. For the most part he just wanted to be around his friends, he didn't say much or pay a whole lot of attention to their conversations. He just needed to be around people, because he desperately wanted to, and one of his three therapists said that he needed that.

“You okay?” Pickles asked curiously. 

“I guess, I mean I think so.”

He felt like shit, he felt like this wasn't even reality. He felt like he was still back in that place and that any second Magnus would kick him in the jaw and wake him up.

“You are really shit at lying.”

“I'm fine, I mean it.” He countered more defensively this time.

“Alright, alright have it your way kid....By the way blondie has been wanting to talk to you.”

Toki sighed heavily, he leaned back in his chair.

“Yeah I know”

“You mad at him or something?”

The younger man shook his head.

He was hurt in general by what the four of them had done while him and Abigail had been suffering, but he wasn't mad per say. He wasn't at the moment mad at Skwisgaar, even the things that had had them barely talking before the funeral didn't matter anymore. 

“Then why are you giving him the silent treatment, guy's been fucking worried sick about you and shit.”

“I just haven't felt like it lately, I'll talk to him tonight.”

Not really, he wasn't going to. He figured Pickles would tell Skwisgaar that the next time that he ran into him, Toki would have to find a new way to avoid him when he came to try and talk to him.

He was grateful when Pickles dropped the topic and tried to move on to something else. He knew the rhythm guitarist wasn't overly talkative these days, he was mostly sullen and quiet; he would spend days on end in his room if they allowed him to. At first they hadn't minded it, but they knew it wasn't good for him. In one way he seemed to be getting better, but in other ways he seemed like something had been broken. Within an hour he excused himself and retreated back to his bedroom.

At least this time he had a reason, he had medication to take.

Six things; he had six different things he needed. Pills for infections, drops for his nearly blinded left eye, his insulin, antidepressants, and pills for schizophrenia. He had a lot of things, he hated all of it; it made him feel like he was worse off than his friends. He was the only one out of them that was this heavily medicated. He was frail or he felt that way, it was probably all in his head. It seemed like a lot of things were all in his head lately. He would love it if he could just escape his head, it was becoming a mostly dark place and that scared him.

He ended up back on his bed, he lay there shirtless and trailed his index finger over the scars on his abdomen. He didn't like how they felt, they bumped and curved, they caused his skin to be discolored and ugly. He should put his shirt back on and just not think about it, but that was hard. 

When he closed his eyes his memory plunged him back into a dark place. He could almost feel the damp concrete floor beneath him. That room was so cold and Magnus had taken his shoes and beaten him around so many times that his clothes ended up in rags. He hated when he would get separated from Abigail, he would get too comfortable and safe feeling with her; that was when Magnus would take him from her. He would carry Toki off to a different room and chain him up to a wall, make him watch the Assassin 'work'. He knew damn well that the young guitarist had been chained up like that as a child, he knew a lot of things. 

Stupid he was so stupid for trusting him and telling him so much. He hated being that trusting, he had trusted somebody who nearly killed him.

He was so fucking stupid, Magnus was right when he told him that. Magnus had been right about a lot of things that he used to say, even his own father was right about things he would say. Maybe he really did deserve the things that the two of them had done to him?

He had been such a terrible son, he hadn't been the child his mother and father had prayed for. He had turned out to be something else, something disgusting and unkempt; he wasn't what they had wanted, he wasn't right. He wasn't as good of a guitarist as Magnus had been, he never even fucking practiced, and most recording sessions he just fucked around. He never did any work, he never helped or contributed; he just lived off of people who were decent enough to take him into their home. He deserved it, Magnus should have been in Dethklok, not him.

Toki curled up on his side, he buried his face against his pillow and sobbed. He pulled his legs up against himself and lay there crying, his body went from feeling chilled to feeling hot. He thought about every time that Magnus would kick him, how angry he would be; the things he would yell at him. He thought about the feeling of that knife pressing against his skin. He could almost feel it pressing into the front of his throat, the threat that if he struggled too much it would slice right through his flesh and end his miserable existence. There had been times he'd considered pushing right into it, pushing that blade into his neck and just ending it. He wanted the pain to stop, he wanted everything to stop. He wasn't deserving of the life that he was living, he wasn't deserving of his friends. He was disgusting, filthy, and not normal. They hadn't even missed him while he had been gone, they had gotten drunk and high; they had tried to play a show without him because that was how necessary he was. 

Why did they come for him? Did somebody make them do that?

He thought about how tightly Skwisgaar had held onto his hand, the way the lead guitarist had cradled him in his arms once they had been safely outside. 

He didn't care, he didn't care about him; he needed to stop pretending that Skwisgaar could care or could even love him. He didn't care, if he did care then he wouldn't....Not if he knew things about him.

He was so gross, he didn't deserve his home or his friends. 

He ended up crying himself to sleep.

He only woke up when he felt somebody shaking his shoulder, he moved quickly away from whoever was touching him. He sat up in his bed and opened his eyes expecting to see his father or Magnus, instead Skwisgaar sat on the side of his bed looking at him.

“Sorry, I didn't mean to scare you.”

“It's fine...You didn't, um why are you here?”

He could feel the warmth from where Skwisgaar had been touching his bare shoulder. He wanted him to touch him, that wasn't a good thought to have. He needed to stop that, it wasn't right. Toki averted his eyes and nervously played with the ends of his hair.

Skwisgaar felt as nervous and uncomfortable as he did, he knew Toki didn't really want to see him. He wasn't really all too sure why Pickles told him that the younger guitarist wanted to talk to him. This was just awkward and a waste of time.

“Pickle said you wanted to talk to me.”

The brunette lifted his head to look at him, he met his eyes for a second then looked away. He looked at the older man's arms, he could see the faint needle marks on his skin. Skwisgaar rubbed self consciously at the red marks, they itched and reminded him it had been three months since the last time he'd gotten high.

“I guess not huh?” 

Skwisgaar laughed nervously, he wished his friend wasn't mad at him. He wanted to just tell him how fucking sorry he was, he hadn't meant to forget him like that. He hadn't even really forgotten him, every god damn thing reminded him of him, he hadn't known he could miss somebody that badly before.

“Sorry” Toki replied quietly.

He didn't have anything to say, he couldn't even look him in the eye and that killed them both for different reasons. He felt both relieved and scared when Skwisgaar got up and left the room leaving him all alone once again. 

Being alone scared him, loneliness was the hardest damned thing to handle. He spent his night remembering terrible things, things that made him feel less than pure. He felt like he was just some mistake, something not meant to even exist, but by some cruel act of nature here he was. Here he was for every bad thing to happen to, here he was alone drowning in his fears. 

When he fell asleep he didn't even realize it, he actually thought he was back there. His dream felt so realistic; he could feel the knife pressing against his throat and fingers digging roughly into his skin. He could feel the burning in his lower half, he could feel teeth practically ripping into the top of his shoulder. He felt it when Magnus threw him to the ground and spit on him, when he kicked him in the ribs for trying to stand up without permission. He felt every kick, every rough pull on his hair, and the suffocating weight of his body. 

He woke up screaming and thrashing. In a state between being caught in a nightmare and waking up he grabbed his phone from the night stand and brought up Skwisgaar's number. His hand shook as he tried to hold onto his phone, every ring made his stomach hurt more and more. His body ached and he was terrified, he was terrified that he would go back to that place and find out it was real after all.

“Toki?”

“Skwisgaar, please...Please come to my room, I don't want to be alone. God please...Please” He begged voice trembling.

He coughed between heavy sobs that wracked his still aching body.

“I'll be there in a minute.”

He sat his phone down and waited, he was so relieved when the blond haired man came into his room. Skwisgaar felt his heart ache when he saw him sitting there crying and shaking. He climbed onto the bed settling down next to him, he pulled the younger musician into his arms holding him closely. Toki lay his head against his chest, he sobbed and begged him to stay with him.

“Shh it's okay, it's going to be okay.”

“Please don't make me go back there, please Skwisgaar.”

“I won't, nobody is making you go back. You're home now, it's alright.”

He spoke softly and calmly despite how much his friend's distress was killing him. He brushed his fingers through his hair, he wanted nothing more than to protect him. He hated this, nightmares like this weren't anything new. Toki had plenty of nightmares, he had fits where a bad past was so heavy that he forgot where he was. This was worse, this was the most scared Skwisgaar had ever seen him and it hurt, because he could have kept it from happening. 

It was at least an hour before Toki cried himself back to sleep, Skwisgaar knew he should leave. The next time Toki would wake up he wouldn't want the blond haired musician in his room with him, but leaving didn't feel right to him. He didn't want him to be alone, he wanted to hold him and keep him safe from himself. If he had another nightmare then Skwisgaar could wake him up before it got that bad again, maybe just holding him like this could make him sleep more safely. He hoped so, he really did. Honestly he was just too scared to let him go again.


	2. You Deserve Happiness

Toki nuzzled against the body he was resting against, he tightened his grip around the older musician's waist, and inhaled the scent of vanilla. This was nice, it had to be a dream, a very nice dream. Skwisgaar was always so sweet when he dreamed or fantasized about him, he wasn't mad at him for not practicing enough or working as hard as he knew that he could. In his dreams that stuff didn't matter, Skwisgaar just loved him; he wanted to be around him and take care of him. Their relationship would have been much less complicated without music issues, but if it wasn't for music he wasn't sure Skwisgaar would have wanted to be around him all that much in the first place. 

Fingers ran through his hair pushing it away from his face, Skwisgaar tightened his own grip on the younger guitarist.

“You awake?” Skwisgaar asked.

“You're here and Magnus isn't, so I don't think so.” He replied his voice still laced with sleep.

“Nej du är definitivt vaken.”

The older man adjusted the way he was siting on the bed, Toki moved closer against him; he buried his face against the side of his neck.

“Du sier alltid at i mine drømmer.”

Skwisgaar sighed heavily, he rubbed his hand down over the younger man's back. His fingers touched against the entry wound scar on his back from where Magnus had stabbed him, Toki flinched and pulled away when he felt the other man touching him there. His eyes opened wide and he stared up at the older musician, he went from looking startled to embarrassed. Toki removed himself from Skwisgaar's lap and to the other end of the bed putting as much distance between them as he could manage in such a small space.

“Sorry”

“I figured I should have left after you fell asleep, but I thought maybe it'd be better if I stayed.”

Dumb idea, now they were back to the stage of awkward tension. 

Toki kept thinking how dumb it was that he had called Skwisgaar in the first place, he knew better than that. He didn't even know why the blond haired man showed up, he didn't have any reason to show up let alone stay. It had to be from guilt, that was why he acted the way he did lately; he just felt guilty. He didn't genuinely care or feel concern for him or his nightmares.

“You didn't even have to come here, I would have been okay.”

“Really, because you sounded scared as fuck when you called. I've never seen you that freaked out before.”

He had seen his friend have so many episodes triggered by his PTSD, but these things were new. He seemed so much more prone to nightmares and needing to be reminded that he was safe, he wasn't stuck in that horrible dungeon any longer.

“I'm fine, not like it really matters anyway.” He snapped glaring in the other man's direction.

Skwisgaar was mildly taken off guard by the brown haired man's response.

“What do you mean by that?”

Toki got up from the bed and went over to his desk where his laptop sat, he grabbed it up and went back to the bed. He logged it on then shoved the computer at the older man. Skwisgaar looked from his glaring friend to the computer screen.

The rhythm guitarist watched him until he saw his face fall and a remorseful look take over his features. 

“How....How long have you known about this stuff?” Skwisgaar asked his voice small and nervous.

“It's been awhile, I just never said anything.”

“I'm sorry, we fucked up and...”

“You don't have to explain, alright? I know I'm not as good a guitarist as you, I don't do anything to help, or contribute at all. I'm just here, fucking charity work or something. I don't even know anymore. You guys should have just gotten somebody new to take my place, I know you wanted to anyway.”

He wasn't as talented as the rest of them, he just dragged them down. He knew they had to have been happier when they didn't have to worry about his well being. It had taken them so long to find him, they had wasted so much time partying and planning concerts, they didn't need him. He felt like there had to be a reason outside of caring that they even came for him themselves.

Skwisgaar closed the laptop and sat it to the side, he moved closer to the smaller man. 

“That's not true, you're a great guitarist. I never would have let you into the band other wise or let you stay, we didn't leave you there on purpose.”

He couldn't even believe Toki would think something like that, it just seemed so idiotic.

Skwisgaar took the younger man's hand in his own holding it.

“We would never do that to you.”

Toki jerked his hand away, he got up from the bed to get away from his friend.

“You did though! You just left us, you told people you didn't even know me. You just fucking erased me, because I don't really matter....I don't and I accept that. I've never fucking mattered to anybody, I'm used to it, just fucking tell me the truth about it.”

Toki believed he was owed that much, he was owed people telling him the truth about how they really felt about him.

Skwisgaar got up and went up to him, he placed his hands on his shoulders. Toki roughly shoved him away, he pushed the older man back against a wall pinning him there.

“You know none of that's true, you know that we care about you. You're our family, we wouldn't have left you there if we'd known you were still alive. I told you we fucked up, we fucked up really badly. I'm sorry.”

He didn't know of anything better to say than that, nothing could exactly make up for the shit they had put him through.

“Jeg har ikke noe å si, ok? Jeg vet jeg ikke. Jeg har ikke noe å si. Bare fortell meg. Please...”

The younger guitarist took a step back, he dropped to his knees covering his face with his hands as he started to cry. He continued to beg and plead in soft muttering tones that Skwisgaar could just barely register. He knelt down in front of him, he wrapped his arms around him pulling his trembling body against him.

“Shh stop that, you matter so much. Stop saying that about yourself. Please.”

Skwisgaar pressed his lips to the top of his head, when Toki pulled his head back and stared up at him through tear filled eyes the older musician felt his chest ache. He brushed the backs of his knuckles against his tear stained cheek, he leaned in pressing his lips against his forehead. He hesitated before pressing his lips against his, Toki trembled beneath him; he let out a shaky breath when Skwisgaar pulled back. 

“Don't” He whispered, begged.

He didn't know if he wanted Skwisgaar to kiss him, to leave; the voices in his head told him he didn't deserve to be held or to be kissed by him. He'd spent so much time thinking such filthy things about him, he'd been touched by so many disgusting people. He didn't deserve this, Skwisgaar didn't know about the things his father or Magnus had done to him. He wouldn't kiss him or hold him if he knew that, he was just doing this out of guilt.

Toki buried his head against Skwisgaar's chest and sobbed. His head ached, everything ached and he could barely stand it.

“Why are you being so nice to me? I don't deserve it, I don't deserve anything. You should have just left me to die, I was supposed to be there. I've done so many bad things, that's why that happened to me....I was paying for all my sins just like my father said I would some day.”

Skwisgaar grabbed him by his shoulders and pulled away from him, Toki kept his head lowered not wanting to meet his eyes.

“Stop it Tokis. Your father was a lunatic and so was Magnus, you did not deserve to be in that place....Nobody deserves what happened to you, it had nothing to do with sins or God. I wish we had rescued you sooner or done something to keep it from ever happening. Just because we fucked up doesn't mean you deserved it, you don't deserve anything like that.”

Skwisgaar took his face in his hands making him look up at him.

“Don't do this to yourself, please. You're such a sweet person and a talented musician. I love you so much.”

“You wouldn't if you knew everything about me.”

“You can't say that for sure, I want you happy again.” 

Skwisgaar caressed his cheek, this time his friend leaned into his touch; Toki placed his hand over top of the blond haired man's. 

“I don't know if I deserve it anymore.”

“Don't talk that way älskling, you deserve to be happy.”

Toki's phone rang from its place on the night stand, the younger musician ignored it. It seemed about the regular time that Nathan or Pickles would be calling him to tell him to not stay in his damned room all day and try starving himself to death. Skwisgaar got up and answered it instead.

“Hello?”

“Uh why are you answering Toki's phone?” Nathan asked confused.

“I'm in his room with him.”

“...Why are you in his room?”

Skwisgaar sat down on the bed.

“He had nightmares, I stayed in here over night.”

“Oh...Right, yeah that makes sense...Could you uh tell him to get his ass out of his fucking room and eat something?” The front man asked awkwardly as he tried to not think of all the reasons the two guitarists could be in a room together.

“Sure thing”

“Thanks” Nathan mumbled before ending the call.

“He's right, you really need to stop locking yourself in here all the time.” Skwisgaar said turning his attention back to the younger man who was still sitting on the floor.

“I just don't feel like eating lately.”

“You don't do a lot these days, it isn't good.”

“I know it isn't good for me to be alone so much or to starve or to skip my medications. I just sometimes really don't want to do those things and it's really hard being around people.”

Even if they were people that he considered his family he still felt nervous and anxious to be around them. He wanted to get better, but he was also holding himself from it.

“We'll work on it, right now just get dressed and meet me in the kitchen with the others?”

“Sure, I'll be there in a few minutes....Thanks for coming in here last night.”

“It's no problem”

Skwisgaar got up from the bed, he went over to Toki kissing him on top of the head before turning and leaving the room. The younger musician lay back on his floor staring up at his ceiling. He would get up, shower, and dress; just right now he needed to lay there and have some time to himself.


	3. Alcohol and Trauma

Toki didn't know how to react to what Skwisgaar had told him. He had for years on and off felt strongly about the older guitarist; the feelings went from strong sensations of hatred to strong feelings of infatuation. He did love him too, he did; it had made him feel guilty and bad being in love with his new friend and his band mate when he'd been a teenager. It made him feel pathetic and gross later on when the feeling resurfaced, their friendship had started to reach a really good point. He even wondered certain times if Skwisgaar was flirting with him, he liked to think so. Their friendship was one that wasn't completely conventional, it was one that from an outside point of view was complicated. To them it was mostly simple, but it still consisted of so much moving around in the dark aimlessly. Things had ended on a bad note; Toki had been pissed off, but mostly hurt. He had gotten back at Skwisgaar by taking his career from him, it had been cruel and immature. He knew that Skwisgaar had a point about him, that Toki never wrote songs for the band and that half the time he didn't even come to the recording studio. He was just as vacant as Murderface was most days. Why did he expect to be treated the same musically?

He'd been mad though, their dynamic had changed; he felt like his friend he looked up to no longer gave a shit about him. He went from practicing with and spending his time encouraging and helping the younger guitarist to just giving up on him completely. He complained that it was just too much trouble to force Toki to play guitar, to make him practice with the rest of them every day like he should be doing.

Not long after Magnus had kidnapped him he started to think that it was for the best. That Skwisgaar should be happy now that he didn't have to worry about nagging some kid constantly. Magnus liked to tell him how selfish and cruel Skwisgaar was, that he only cared about himself. He had never cared about anybody else in the band, never cared about the girls and men he got with, or even his own mother. He was selfish and jealous of people who were more talented than him. Toki fought between believing that and finding it to be utter bull shit. He knew his friend; he knew he didn't come from a great family situation, that he seemed uncomfortable with serious dating, and that guitar was important to him. He knew he could be selfish and unkind, but more times than not he was awkward and funny. Those were the things he reminded himself, the good times were the things that he missed. 

He was back at home, safe again; he could slip back into his normal life, but he couldn't. He even had his best friend he was in love with saying that he loved him back, he had the potential to go back to normal. He could live his life better than he had before; he could practice more, he could improve his playing, and become a stronger person than he had been. Just he felt so tired and weighed down; he felt scared and defeated. Whatever bit of his self and sanity he'd had left before meeting Magnus died, whatever had been left no longer existed and hadn't since his friends came to rescue him from that Hell hole. He just wanted to sleep, drink, smoke weed, and maybe if he felt up to it eat. He longed to be around his friends, he longed to talk to somebody who wasn't being paid to nod and tell him that they were listening.

Skwisgaar was there, he was willing to talk to him and listen to everything he had to say. He'd always been that way, even the times he seemed bored to death sitting and listening to his friend ramble on about stupid shows he liked or something pointless he had done that day. He would still sit there and listen, he would look at him like to some degree he did find it interesting or he just found interest in watching his friend being excited over little things. 

Toki knew damn well all he had to do was send him a text and tell him he wanted to hang out with him. He could, maybe after one more joint or a few more drinks of vodka. He supposedly shouldn't be drinking or doing drugs, they didn't mix well with his medications. His therapists told him that he shouldn't use drugs and alcohol to deal with his traumas, but that it was in fact a common symptom.

He cringed at the way the alcohol burned as it went down his throat.

He fucking hated being a statistic. He hated being a patient, known by his diseases and disorders; he was a person, but they didn't make him feel that way. Nobody made him feel human or normal or like he really had a place to be. He leaned his head back against the couch and closed his eyes, he took a long hit from the joint that he held in his left hand. In his mind he could picture that damned shed just twenty feet away from his parents home, the one his father would drag him to and chain him up to the wall. He would just leave him there if he were lucky. 

Toki released the smoke into the air.

He thought about that shed a lot when Magnus would chain him up to a wall so much like it. If he were lucky then Magnus would just chain him up and leave him there.

“It's way too early in the morning to be getting wasted.”

Toki opened his eyes and glanced over at the blond haired man who now sat next to him. Skwisgaar took the bottle from his hand and took a drink for himself.

“I was going to ask you to join me.”

“What after you've gone through all the booze?” Skwisgaar asked smirking, Toki grabbed the bottle away from him.

He took a longer drink just to spite his friend, he lowered the bottle and coughed. The older man laughed and took it from him holding it out of reach when the brunette reached for it again.

“Stick to weed, you get creepy when you're drunk.”

“Do not”

“You get stupid, then you get depressing, and then you puke. It isn't pretty Tokis, too early in the morning to hold your hair back while you puke.”

The younger man smirked, he leaned against his friend's side resting his head against his shoulder.

“You know you like looking after me” 

“Sure I love looking after drunk you.” Skwisgaar replied sarcastically.

“What about sober me?”

“Preferable...Have you taken your medications today?”

Toki nodded.

“You still shouldn't be drinking right now.”

“It makes me feel better.”

“It's not good to keep everything to yourself like this.”

“I have several therapists to tell everything to, nothing left to really say. I'm stupid and befriended a lunatic who stabbed me then did...Did really awful things to me for a year.”

Skwisgaar kissed the top of his head, Toki pulled back away from him. He wanted him to touch him, but it made him feel guilty; he didn't have a great way of explaining it. 

“I'm um...I'm sorry about before when I kissed you, I shouldn't have done that.”

“No it's fine....Skwisgaar I...There's a lot of stuff that you don't know and I don't know how to tell you and...”

He felt himself getting frustrated again.

The older man placed a hand on his shoulder squeezing gently.

“It's cool you don't have to tell me anything right now. When you're ready, yeah?”

“Yeah” Toki replied his voice soft.

It could be okay if he didn't tell him right away, his mind was heavy and he just felt like taking a break away from himself. 

“Is it okay if I hold you?”

He found it odd he would ask, but with the way he flinched at nearly every time Skwisgaar touched him he found it nice of him to ask permission first. He nodded and moved closer to his friend allowing him to wrap his arms around him and hold him against his body. Toki rest his head against his chest, he closed his eyes and hummed softly when he felt lips press against the top of his head.


	4. Returning Affection

He really wasn't fond of glasses. They sucked, he was painfully honest about that or at least they sucked on him. Toki made a face at his reflection; he hated them, he preferred the risk of walking into walls. It wasn't like he was completely blind in his left eye, he just could barely see out of it. He took his glasses off and looked at himself again, when he closed his left eye he could see fine, but when he closed his right it was like looking through a horribly thick fog. His doctor kept telling him he needed to start wearing them, if he didn't then he was stressing his eye sight more than what was necessary. He personally didn't think it mattered, his lack of caring also resulted in getting sick every time he figured he could go just one day without a pill or two. 

He begrudgingly put them back on. He turned and left the bathroom going back to his own room, he jumped startled when he saw Skwisgaar sitting on his bed playing guitar. The other musician didn't notice him there until he heard him cursing to himself. Skwisgaar looked up at him ready to apologize for startling him until he noticed the wire framed glasses. Toki glared at him silently warning him to not even start.

“Don't and why are you in my room, can't you play guitar in your stupid room?” He asked folding his arms across his chest.

The blond haired man shrugged, he continued to idly play a song on his guitar; to the younger man it almost sounded like folk metal, way out of their general style.

“You never come to my room to hang out so I thought I could come here. When did you start wearing glasses?” He smiled faintly then lowered his head when another deathly glare was aimed his way.

“I should have been wearing them longer, but I haven't. They look stupid, not sure why I'm wearing them.”

Skwisgaar kept his focus on his guitar, this time he was playing closer to their regular area.

“Because when you were all doped up and hooked up to machines the doctor told me that you're nearly blind in one eye.”

“Did he just tell you guys everything or some shit like that?”

He really hoped the doctors hadn't told his band mates everything that they had found, bad enough they had to see him like that.

“Just some stuff, I like your glasses by the way....They make you look um...Really nice.” Skwisgaar offered the compliment awkwardly.

He continued looking down, his hair hiding his face from the shorter man's view.

“You suck with compliments Skwisgaar.”

“Shut up at least I tried.” 

Toki moved over to the bed sitting down next to his friend. He reached out pushing Skwisgaar's hair back behind his ear so that he could see his face. The older man was still staring down at the guitar he held in his hands, he held it lovingly like he probably did with his nightly lovers. He treated it like it was something beautiful and fragile, an extension of himself. In a way it was an extension of himself, his guitar said the things he couldn't say. 

“Why are you really in here?”

Skwisgaar's playing changed again, it kept changing from pace to pace.

“I was worried about you.”

They hadn't seen all too much of each other recently. Toki's nightmares had been steadily increasing, now when he had them they resulted in him waking up and rushing to the toilet to throw up. He would remain kneeling on the floor for about half an hour, once he puked everything out of his stomach he would promptly collapse on the floor and cry himself back into a painful restless sleep. He didn't exactly want to be around anybody lately, not with the way he was feeling. The less they all had to deal with him then the better off they all were.

“Don't be, waste of time and none of you ever worried before.”

The no caring rule; he had never understood it himself, he just knew he came into their circle of friends right around the time they had come up with it. He would hear them talk about it from time to time, but per usual nobody wanted to waste their time explaining supposedly obvious things to the newbie.

“We always worry about you, how could we not?”

Skwisgaar mentally went over just how long they had had the youngest member around. It hadn't even been all that long, he was so fucking young to have so many things wrong with him. He'd been through a lot, they hadn't known all of that when he had come along. They had learned it over time and they were not the people who knew by nature how to handle somebody as broken and beaten down as them, but not as able to handle the pain. The four of them had trained themselves as they grew how to repress and pretend things didn't hurt them or scar them.

“I'm just the new guy who doesn't do anything.”

“Stop saying that about yourself.”

Toki flopped back on his bed, he stared at the taller man's back.

“Murderface says it all the time, Magnus said it...Even you have said I don't do anything.”

“Toki we've been over this a million times.”

The younger musician sighed heavily, he slowly trailed his index and middle fingers down the middle of Skwisgaar's back. He felt the other man shift beneath his touch like he wasn't sure if he wanted to arch into it or away.

“I know...Why do you like me all the sudden?”

This time Skwisgaar stopped playing, he sat his guitar down on the floor and turned so that he could face the younger man.

“I've always liked you, you're the one who always used to say how much you hate me. We almost died with those being your last words.” He said smiling sadly.

Toki still remembered that too well; in retrospect those were not the words he wanted to die saying. It felt like something else to him, he had hoped Skwisgaar had understood that too.

“Now you're in love with me?”

“It's not entirely new”

It was just another feeling that Skwisgaar felt was better to keep buried deep down inside of himself. His mother sure as hell didn't know how to love others correctly, why should he be able to? It didn't help he loved somebody he treated like utter shit, it was a train wreck really. He wasn't sure why he felt like he had the right to tell Toki now about it.

“Why didn't you tell me before?”

“I shouldn't have told you at all.”

“Why not?”

“You don't love me and maybe that's a good thing.”

Despite everything inside of himself telling him to let it end here he couldn't. Toki sat up, he placed a hand on the back of Skwisgaar's neck pulling him in close. He pressed his lips against his kissing him hard, he lay back on the bed pulling the taller man down on top of him. Skwisgaar moaned when Toki bit at his lower lip tugging it, the younger man whimpered and groaned tangling his fingers in wavy blond hair he used to just fantasize about touching. 

Skwisgaar broke from the kiss, he leaned his forehead against his friend's both of them breathing heavily.

“Who said I don't love you too?” 

Toki brushed the tears from his cheeks, he leaned up kissing him gently.


	5. Bad Memories Bad Friends

“When you were in the hospital I was scared you wouldn't wake up.” Skwisgaar confessed. 

They lay on the lead guitarist's bed together due to his complaints that Toki's bed was too cramped and small to be comfortable to lay on. He didn't mind, Skwisgaar's bed was much more comfortable, but Toki had never exactly been raised on the idea of sleeping comfortably. He was currently more content than he'd been for years now; he played with the ends of the older man's soft hair while skilled fingers trailed over his back in a gentle loving manner. 

“I was alive though, why would you think that?”

“Stupid fear, but you were really weak and sick. Something could have happened, they said we got you just barely in time. That's not a good thing to be told by doctors.”

Toki kissed him like maybe he could assure him that things had turned out okay.

He wasn't even entirely sure himself that things were okay.

“What was Magnus like when you guys knew him?”

Skwisgaar nudged Toki's slipping glasses back up the bridge of his nose, he brushed his fingers back through his hair as he decided how to respond.

“He was...When I first met him he was very nice, he was sort of more mature than us.” He smirked thinking about how Magnus often disapproved of every dumb stunt the four of them would pull.

“Magnus worked, the rest of us didn't, because we just figured having the band would get us rich. You know the usual dumb young dream, but Pickles was about Magnus' age and even he said we'd be fine....Around the time that we got signed to the label was when he started acting differently.”

The older man shifted uncomfortably, he restrained himself from idly touching the scar on Toki's back.

“He started obsessing over everything being perfect, we had to practice almost all the time. He started to treat it like he owned us, we weren't a family anymore; we just....It was Hell.”

He felt uncomfortable remembering it, thinking about how many nights he had to sleep with a chair propped against the door of his room to keep Magnus from barging in and lashing out at him for not practicing more or for doing something wrong earlier. Their guitarist's had become increasingly violent and demeaning in a quick amount of time, it had come on so quickly nobody knew how to react other than shock and hurt.

Toki pressed his lips against the older man's forehead, Skwisgaar smiled softly. He really wished that Magnus had just stayed a secret part of their past, something that hurt like eighty types of Hell that they agreed to never bring up again. It had scared the fuck out of them to hear his name again after so many years of forgetting and moving on.

“When Nathan finally had enough he kicked him out, Magnus flipped out on him and stabbed him.”

“Holy shit, seriously?”

“He used to threaten to stab us or cut us, but I guess we never figured that he'd do it. Nathan beat his ass really bad when Magnus stabbed him, never really seen him that pissed....Later Magnus had broken in and wrote on the wall in blood that he'd have revenge. We spent awhile paranoid about what he might do, but forgot over time...I guess we should have taken that more seriously?”

He never really thought they would have to worry about it after so much time. They knew Magnus wasn't somebody you could trust in the least, but they thought he moved past that. They thought if anything in the way of revenge he would attack one of them for supposedly betraying him or he would become more famous than them, some obvious form of revenge. They never thought he'd go after the teenager they put in the band to take the place of an absent guitarist.

“If we had any idea about what he'd do to you we wouldn't have let him anywhere near you. I feel like absolute fucking shit about it. I'm so sorry”

Toki wrapped his arms around the older man's waist.

“It's okay, you guys didn't know; I never would have guessed he was that fucked up. He was a really good liar.”

Though in truth he just trusted people, he had never gotten around realizing that people weren't always kind or trust worthy. Magnus had been one of those people he should have been wary of.

“I used to think I could just talk to him, that maybe he wasn't a bad person...I just didn't want to believe somebody I had never met before could hate me that much.”

He wasn't sure if it was just something victims did or something stupid he thought might help, but he thought maybe he could talk Magnus down. If he talked to him, apologized even though he didn't know what he had to really be sorry for then the older man would let them go. He had learned quickly that his friend lacked in morality or sanity, he'd learned the hard way.

Toki removed his glasses so he could better rest his head against Skwisgaar's chest, the older musician took them and sat them a safe distance away from the two of them. 

The blond haired man rolled over onto his back, Toki settled with his head resting on his chest; he felt a comfort in the rise and fall of Skwisgaar's chest and the way his calloused fingers gently rubbed over the back of his hand. He just wanted to forget what had happened to him, everything that had ever happened to him.

His therapist had told him he had no reason to feel guilty about his feelings for his friend, that if Skwisgaar felt the same then there was no reason to feel like it was wrong. The therapist had told him it was okay what he had done, he hadn't done anything wrong and on some level he was smart enough to understand that. He just also thought back to when he had accidentally moaned Skwisgaar's name that one night, how more enraged than usual Magnus had become. The way the half blind guitarist had roughly pulled out of his already sore body, the way he had kicked him until his nose was bleeding and it hurt to breathe. Magnus had told him he was sick, that Hell would freeze over before Skwisgaar would want somebody as pitiful and dirty as him. His father used to tell him sometimes that nobody wanted an unclean sinner, Magnus told him nobody wanted a pathetic bitch.

Toki lifted his head so he could look into his partner's eyes, Skwisgaar offered him a small smile. The brown haired man leaned in kissing him gently.

“I love you Skwisgaar”

“I love you too, don't forget that.” He whispered before kissing him.

This time when the older guitarist's fingers touched over the stab wound on his back Toki didn't flinch.


	6. Rain Makes It Hurt Less

Toki sat by the window looking out at the pouring rain, it rained more recently than he remembered before. He leaned his head against the cool glass and glanced over at Abigail who sat on a chair waiting for him to continue the conversation they had been having. He hadn't had a ready answer when she asked why he didn't think he should be with Skwisgaar.

“Still waiting sweetie.” 

“I don't know, I don't have a smart answer.”

“Then don't give one, say what you feel”

He smirked and shook his head, the metal frame of his glasses tapped against the window. He groaned, pulled away and adjusted them for the hundredth time.

“That's how people end up thinking I'm an idiot.”

“Despite popular belief around Mordhaus it's okay to have feelings.”

Abigail knew damn well that everybody in the mansion had feelings, complicated overly dramatic feelings. Murderface seemed to be the worst about it since he was the one who either tried too hard to restrain his emotions or tried too little to restrain them. She was still working on Nathan, he was better with showing how he felt after what had happened to her. 

“Yeah try telling the others, I'm always the stupid emotional one. Anything I say about this is going to sound dumb and childish.”

“Saying that you don't know sounds even more childish. You can tell me.” 

He nervously pulled at his fingers then twisted at the material of his shirt. 

“It's because of what Magnus did to me.”

Easy to say, but it didn't make him feel any better to say it out loud. It just reminded him more so about what Magnus had done to him.

“Have you told him about that yet?”

She fully understood if he hadn't, what he'd gone through had been pure hell. She had merely been there, she still didn't completely understand her purpose. Sometimes Magnus had beaten on her or threatened to murder her, but that was the major extent of it. Toki had been the one he'd actually wanted and he was the one Magnus had broken down in every physical and psychological way a person could think of.

“No, but I think he knows....I don't know how though, unless one of those asshole doctors told him.”

He wondered if he could have the doctor who told killed. Ever since Ofdensen resigned it seemed to be easier for the five of them to have employees fired or more so to Toki's liking; tortured or killed.

“You could just be paranoid.”

The blue eyed man glared in her direction.

“Don't talk like one of my doctors, you're my friend.”

“I'm not trying to analyze you, but maybe you're letting this control you too badly.”

He'd been a wreck ever since they got back. She had feared he would die at first, then she feared he'd be crippled, and then she had feared he would be so traumatized that he would never speak again. Now she just worried he was going to let all of the things that had happened to him take control and wreck his psyche completely. She didn't want to see that happen to her friend, he was nice and too young to go through something like that. 

“You don't know what it's like...They didn't even want you, they just took you because...Because they knew if they did then Nathan would come for you.”

Not him, they could have easily just left him and gotten somebody else. Nathan was in love with Abigail, he would walk through fire for her. Nobody would do that for Toki.

“Stop doing this to yourself, it's dumb and you know it.”

He wanted to be angry with her, but he bit his tongue instead of saying the cruel immature things that were now crowding his mind.

“You sound like one of us.” He finally said his voice quiet.

Abigail smirked, “I guess I'm complimented...Look you need to tell somebody about this, more so you should be telling Skwisgaar. Honey I know about all of this, I was there, and I wish I could have protected you better.”

Toki opened his eyes and looked back over at her.

“You did fine, thanks Abby....If it wasn't for you I would have died, I would have made sure of it.”

He loved her, she was a good friend; she was the first female to actually take care of him. He felt sad and bitter when he thought about it that way; he always wanted to be around a woman who would coddle him and take care of him, his mother never had. He wrapped his arms around himself and leaned his head against the window again, the cold made his headache lessen slightly.

Abigail got up from where she sat and walked over to him, she placed a hand on his shoulder giving a light squeeze.

“He loves you, the guy ever since I met you all has been looking after you. He worries about you, they all do...Just you all have your weird ways of showing it, not everybody is open and blunt about how they feel or think. Talk to him, you deserve to be happy so get that out of your head.”

“Thanks...I'll talk to him later, okay?”

“Good boy, I'll see you later.”

He placed his hand over her's for a second before she pulled away. She gave him another warm smile before leaving him to be alone for awhile. He needed some time to himself just to think about what he would say and what he would do.


	7. A New Unwanted Memory

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I never had this idea/headcanon until Dethzazz and the humanoid spider with the fingers for legs...

“What was it you wanted to talk to me about?” Skwisgaar asked as he entered the room where Toki was.

The younger musician still sat on the window ledge watching the rain, he held his phone in his hands occasionally glancing at it in hope of a pointless distraction. Now that Skwisgaar was actually in the room he felt this overwhelming urge to just tell him it was nothing then proceed to leave. It wasn't even six, he could easily spend the rest of the evening into the following morning drinking and doing drugs. He could maybe see if Skwisgaar still had meth and heroin hidden in his room.

“I haven't really seen any women in your room since I've gotten home.”

That wasn't what he'd intended to say, but he had noticed. They were generally impressed by the golden hair guitarist's sex life, Toki had never really been jealous. That would be dumb, even now Skwisgaar could have women over and he wouldn't care that much. 

“I haven't had anybody over for a long time.”

“Except all those ladies and guys I saw you with while I was chained up.” He added bitterly.

He turned his attention away from the window to see the sad regretful look on his face.

“So this is what you wanted to talk about, just remind me I'm an asshole and a really shitty boyfriend?”

Toki removed his glasses sitting them to the side, he rubbed his hands over his face.

“Why do you even want to call me your boyfriend?”

“I...I just figured you were” Skwisgaar responded awkwardly.

“You could have said something before instead of being a prick and ignoring me.”

“I know”

He wasn't sure why he was so annoyed with Skwisgaar, this wasn't his fault. Toki knew damn well that tragedy changed the way a person felt or made them realize things they never would have other wise. Up until the Assassin nearly blew their brains out he had just made himself hate his friend, after that it had changed even if he hadn't wanted it to.

“I'm sorry...This isn't what I wanted to talk about, but I don't get why the fuck you would want to date me. I'm fucking dumb and childish and broken and dangerous....Like why, I can't get a woman to date me why the fuck would somebody who actually knows me want me?”

He glared up at the taller man demanding a real answer to his question. The one he'd had for so long now, he didn't deserve this. He deserved what he'd been going through before; he should still be chained up like a dog only being taken off his leash for Magnus to 'play' with. 

Skwisgaar stepped up to him, he placed two fingers beneath his chin making Toki look him in the eye when he had tried to look away.

“You deserve to be loved, I don't care what Magnus or your dad told you.”

Toki shoved the older man's hand away.

“It's not just them, it's everybody. It takes me being stabbed for you to even realize you love me or something, then you just sit around fucking every whore you can find and shooting up like a stupid junkie. Nathan only came for Abigail and you guys don't care, nobody fucking cares. Nobody has ever cared about me or how I'm doing or if I live or die, so why all the sudden does it matter?”

The blond haired man rubbed subconsciously at the red track marks on his right arm.

“You're such a brat you know that? Stop doing this to yourself, everybody in the whole fucking world was looking for you. Everybody, complete fucking strangers looked for you and wanted to know what happened to you. There wasn't anybody who didn't care.”

“Except for you guys, right? Except for my mom, did she ever call or write to ask if her son was alive?”

He wanted to be angry, he needed to be angry, because it was better than being afraid. 

“We all care about you, I care about you....You know how your mom is, how your dad was...”

Toki laughed bitterly and shook his head, he raked his shaking fingers back through his hair.

“Yeah I know how she is, she used to just let him drag me off into that stupid fucking hole. She used to just watch me with dead eyes while I screamed and begged, she could hear me scream when he was raping me, but she never fucking did anything to stop it!”

Something about that confession broke the tension and created a new heavy silence in the room. The kind that wasn't easily broken. Toki buried his face in his hands and sobbed, he yelled and cried; at this rate he'd end up having another panic attack. 

Skwisgaar carefully moved him down onto the floor, he pulled his friend onto his lap, he held him closely. 

“Shh breathe, it's okay you're okay now. Det är okej älskling, du är i säkerhet nu kan de inte göra det längre. Jag lovar.” 

He felt tears in his own eyes, but now wasn't a good time to cry. Skwisgaar had been taught from a young age that crying wasn't something to do, especially for a boy. Somebody needed him right now, he couldn't just start mourning for the bad things that happened to somebody he loved.

“Make it stop Skwis”

“It's over, it's all over...Nobody is going to do that to you again.”

“Magnus did” He whispered his voice trembling.

He felt Skwisgaar's body tense beneath him, he felt scared that the older man would now get mad at him and throw him to the floor, but if anything Skwisgaar just held onto him more protectively. He felt his fingers curl against his side and lips press against the top of his head.

“We never should have let him near you, Gods I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.”

Toki nuzzled against the older man's neck, he hesitantly kissed against his skin.

“Do you still love me?”

Skwisgaar grabbed him by his shoulders gently pushing him back enough that he could look him in the eye. 

“I love you so much, so fucking much.”

The younger musician wrapped his arms around his neck, he buried his face against his chest feeling safe in Skwisgaar's arms. He wouldn't hurt him, none of his friends would hurt him. Skwisgaar swore to himself he would kill the next person who tried to lay a hand on his friend.


	8. Everybody Has a Past

Toki happily complied when Skwisgaar suggested they move from the living room floor to some place more comfortable, more private. He didn't need anybody walking in and seeing them curled up on the floor, him crying against the older musician's chest. He had kept his head lowered as they walked through the hall and had held tightly onto Skwisgaar's hand the whole way to his friend's bedroom. When Toki sat on the bed he kept to himself. He felt raw and exposed, he didn't like the feeling; he was accustomed to keeping these things to himself. He hadn't even let himself know about what his father had done to him, he'd spent so long burying that memory under twisted nightmare images that he couldn't work free. Now he remembered it for what it was and he vividly remembered what Magnus had done to him not that long ago. Now Skwisgaar knew and he didn't know what they should do with this information, because Toki was still waiting for him to get angry. 

“Are you mad at me?” He asked quietly as he peeked up at the other man.

Skwisgaar pet his fingers back through the younger man's hair.

“No, why would I be mad?”

“The stuff I said to you and the other stuff.”

“You mean what happened to you?”

He nodded.

“I'm not mad about any of it, I have no reason to be mad at you for that...It wasn't your fault.”

“When Magnus would...When he would do that I would think about you, not because it made me think of you, but...I..I just thought to myself you wouldn't do that to me. You would never do that to anybody you were with, because you're not like that. You wouldn't hurt me. I started fantasizing he was you, because I told myself if I did that then it wouldn't hurt so bad. It's so wrong of me, I shouldn't have done that.” He said chastising himself.

Skwisgaar placed a hand on his cheek his thumb gently brushing against tear stained skin, confused and pain filled eyes stared up at him expecting to be hated and punished for things he hadn't done wrong. Even when Toki was a self centered psychotic bastard Skwisgaar would never think of hurting him. He just wanted his friend safe and happy, he wanted to help him feel okay again.

The younger guitarist sobbed softly when Skwisgaar kissed his forehead.

“You did nothing wrong, nothing. Don't find ways to blame yourself for any of it.”

Toki wanted to believe him, because he'd known Skwisgaar since he was sixteen. The older man had always looked after him and protected him or at least tried to. He knew Skwisgaar didn't lie to him, he never had.

“Is it okay if I kiss you?”

The brown haired man nodded, he whimpered when full lips pressed against his kissing him gently. It was like the older musician thought he was made of glass, Toki nipped at his lower lip wanting him to know other wise. He moaned when Skwisgaar deepened the kiss, the taller man's tongue swiped across his bottom lip then entered his mouth. Skwisgaar was more than compliant when Toki pushed him back onto the bed, he smiled into the kiss. Long fingers tangled themselves in thick brown hair, the younger man's hands explored along his torso wanting to learn the feeling of a body he used to just dream about. He stopped when his fingers brushed over the marks on Skwisgaar's arm. He sat back on his knees and held the other man's arm up so he could look at it. 

“Do you still use?”

“No I stopped”

“You always told me you hated anything you had to inject.”

“I changed my mind.”

He always said he hated drugs that made you age quickly or wore your looks and sex drive to nothing. There were times he would smoke meth, but it was rarely; it mostly happened when he was depressed and even then he'd resort to alcohol. 

“Why?”

“I thought you were dead....I even had an over dose, I was pissed as hell when I woke up. Just hoped they'd let me die you know.”

Skwisgaar remembered how he had woken up in the hospital, he had lashed out at the doctors and nurses for reviving him. After he'd wrecked everything in reach and drove out the medical staff he had broken down crying. 

Toki gently touched the marks worried he could hurt him, his fingers moved lower down to the older man's hand. 

“I used to want to die a lot too.”

“I remember.”

Toki met his eyes and smiled sadly, he brought Skwisgaar's hand up to his lips kissing the palm of his hand. The older man whispered something, but he hadn't caught it.

“I still think about it a lot....I don't like looking in mirrors or taking my medications, because I just remember him. I hate even saying his stupid name.”

He lay down on top of the taller man resting his head against his chest, Skwisgaar wrapped an arm loosely around his waist. His fingers trailed up and down along his side.

“It'll get easier”

“How would you know?”

He was tired of people telling him that.

Skwisgaar breathed in deeply, he let out a shaky breath.

“I know from experience”


	9. Strawberry Vodka Isn't the Best

Toki was taken off guard by what Skwisgaar said or how he should translate it. The haunted look in his boyfriend's eyes told him there was only one thing he had meant. He wasn't sure if he wanted to gently urge him on to talk about it, to reveal a part of himself he worked hard to bury. Skwisgaar leaned into his touch when Toki placed his hand against his cheek. He moved up so that he leaned over him, he kissed him. He had spent a long time thinking he was the only one of his friends who had been abused as a child, but over time he'd found that to not be true. He had known Skwisgaar had grown up in a very poor household, his mom had spent a lot of time out more than in, and that she had a tendency to manipulate her only son. He felt bad for him, it explained some things. He couldn't imagine worse things happening, he really didn't want to.

“You don't have to tell me.” He whispered against his lips.

“Not now, I'm more concerned about you...I want to make sure you're okay.”

Toki lowered his head and nuzzled against his neck, Skwisgaar buried his fingers in the younger musician's hair.

“I'm okay”

“Liar, you nearly had a panic attack an hour ago, and you've been locked in your room for nearly an entire month....You're not okay and nobody expects you to be.”

“We need to work on the final record.”

“When you're better”

“I don't think the world is going to wait to end, because some idiot can't handle his life.”

“Don't say things like that, you're not an idiot.”

Toki looked up at him smiling faintly.

“You call me an idiot.”

“Joking, you know that...Those other things aren't important right now, just you getting better again.”

The brunette pressed his lips against his throat then trailed kisses along his jaw, he moved from on top of his boyfriend to instead lay by his side. He rest a hand on Skwisgaar's chest, the older man draped an arm around his shoulders. 

“Do you have anything to drink in here?” Toki asked curiously.

He had spent the whole day sober and it was really bothering him, too many things had happened for him to handle it with even remote ease. Skwisgaar sat up much to his disappointment, he got out of bed and went to a small liquor cabinet in the corner that sat next to a row of black and white guitars. He returned with a bottle of strawberry flavored vodka, it wasn't something Toki would personally go for, but he wanted something right now. The blond offered him the bottle and his friend took it gratefully.

The alcohol burned and tasted heavy with a possibly overwhelming candy flavoring. He couldn't believe Skwisgaar and Pickles would drink stuff like this. He shook his head at the taste, the older man laughed at the grossed out look on his face. He shoved the bottle back to Skwisgaar who took a longer drink from it.

“It isn't that bad, it taste sweet.” He said lowering the bottle and offering it to him again.

He wanted to say it tasted sweet like him, but he wasn't sure how weird that comment would be.

“Isn't it just supposed to taste like really bad decisions?” Toki asked smirking.

He took another drink, longer this time. When he handed the bottle over to his friend Skwisgaar's fingers brushed over his as he took it from him.

“Remember when we weren't even talking?” 

“I was scared you would just stay that pissed at me.” The blond responded.

“I thought about it, then when the band was ending I wondered if it was good to cut off ties with you like that...God that fight was a real nightmare.”

They had always argued over music, it was their Achilles Heel; it only figured one day it would destroy their friendship somehow. So funny when he thought about how that was the reason they connected so deeply to start with.

“I should have apologized sooner.”

“I shouldn't have lost it like that.”

He had a bad temper, that was lightly putting it. Toki took a longer drink when he thought about how dark and sadistic his mind and rage could be. He feared he could be like Magnus one of these days with a mind like that.

“I'm an asshole, you could have done worse.” Skwisgaar responded smiling.

It was true, he didn't have excellent social graces. He could charm, coddle, and make his sexual partners feel like kings and queens, but outside of that he was lost. He had been raised in a household that was more similar to a brothel than a real home, sex was priority. Actual human contact was something seen as useless. Having friends became harder as he got older, he hated himself for gaining his mother's distant personality when it came to that; only be with people when you have something to gain from it.

“You're not always so bad, I like you a lot of times.” 

Toki lay down on his side, he rest his head on the older man's lap. He hummed feeling content when Skwisgaar's fingers were combing through his hair again.

“Imagine how close we'd be if I wasn't so far up my own ass.”

“It'd be like this, but sooner.”

“I would have liked that, I've thought about it before everything.”

There were plenty of times he had considered being with his friend, but he never knew in which way. He never knew if he craved intimacy in the fashion of a one night stand or something more long lasting. He'd had few relationships, neither of them did serious dating all too often. Toki would try, but the girls weren't there for love or compassion, they were just there to get money and a few rounds of sex from a rock star. Skwisgaar felt bad for him when it came to that, he knew the younger guitarist wanted something much different from his partners. 

He just never was sure if he was capable of providing that or if Toki would even want that from him.

“Wish you had said something to me, Jeg har alltid ønsket deg Skwisgaar. " The brunette whispered, he took hold of Skwisgaar's hand holding onto it.

“You've got me”

“Promise?”

“I promise.”


	10. Better Times

“You feel really nice Skwis” Toki whispered against the older man's lips.

Skwisgaar gave a soft moan, his calloused fingers worked lovingly and carefully over scarred flesh. He took Toki's bottom lip between his teeth tugging then releasing it.

“You too, Du betyder så mycket för mig ... Jag älskar dig.”

He groaned when the smaller man pushed him back onto the bed, Toki kissed him roughly. Fingers tangled themselves in locks of blond hair twisting and pulling drawing moans and whimpers from the taller musician.

“Jeg liker måten du tar på mine arr.”

Toki leaned into his touch each time that Skwisgaar caressed one of the countless marks on his skin. He was learning to not flinch away, because for once somebody wasn't avoiding his flaws or out to hurt him. His friend had never been pushy or mean about his scars, he would look at them like he wanted to ask their origins, but he stayed respectful.

The rhythm guitarist's hand slipped down the front of Skwisgaar's jeans, his fingers brushing along the length of his hardening cock. The older man's member twitched in response to his touch and the older man's breathing hitched. Toki pressed his lips against the side of his neck, he gave his boyfriend's cock slow strokes teasing him.

When he sat back on his knees Skwisgaar sat up as well, he wrapped his arms around the older musician's neck and kissed him hard. The blond haired man worked as quickly as he could to unfasten his jeans, lips pressed against the front of his neck and a lust heavy voice whispered how badly his boyfriend wanted him. 

Toki kept his full focus on the blond haired man, he paid attention to every touch and kiss. He moaned and writhed under him when fingers pushed inside of him carefully working him open. He wrapped his legs around his boyfriend's back, he begged for him saying how badly he needed to feel him inside of him. When Skwisgaar kissed him as he pushed himself inside Toki thought about the way his lips tasted like vanilla and how gentle he was being. This felt every bit as incredible as he had prayed and told himself that it would, he just never thought it would happen. He never thought he'd get the opportunity to be with him like this or at all.

He dug his nails into his back earning a deep moan from his partner, he ran his tongue up the side of his neck biting down beneath his ear lobe. Skwisgaar pulled out then thrust back inside of him hitting against his prostate making the younger musician moan loudly.

“Thank Gods for sound proof walls, hm?” Skwisgaar commented after drawing another high feminine moan from his boyfriend.

“Shut up” He responded giggling, he kissed the older man before he could say anything else.

It was nice to see him relaxed and happy, it wasn't common. Skwisgaar liked helping him, he didn't know many ways to help him feel better. He knew sex, he knew pleasure and Toki was more than happy to be with him like that. He had a list of bad sexual experiences he needed swiped from his memory, he needed to remember that this was supposed to feel good, really good. 

He rocked his hips against the older man drawing him in deeper, nails dug into his hips and teeth bit at his lip. Skwisgaar moved a hand to his cock stroking him, the older man swiped his thumb across the head of his cock spreading precum. The rhythm guitarist's bucked his hips up, he moaned softly and tugged at the Swede's hair. Skwisgaar slowed his thrusts working more so to bring his partner to climax than himself. The head of his cock brushed against his prostate with each deep thrust, Skwisgaar kissed and nipped at the skin on his neck and over his chest. The younger musician came into his hand crying out his name, his nails digging into his shoulders. Skwisgaar moved his hips at a slightly quicker pace, the muscles tightening around his cock helping to work him over the edge as he came inside of his boyfriend. He held his face in his hands kissing him sloppily.

“Love you”

“Love you too”

Skwisgaar carefully pulled out of him, he lay on his back, and in a moment Toki was nestled up against his side.

“I really needed that, thanks.”

“It's what I'm good at.”

Good for, he wasn't sure what else he could really do.

Toki kissed him on the cheek before sitting up, Skwisgaar placed a hand on his forearm his fingers dancing over his skin.

“Want to join me in the bath?”

“I think I'll pass, I'm thinking about stealing some weed from Pickle room.”

“Sounds like a good idea, you know he'll be mad if he finds out though. Just take some from my stash.”

“His is better”

Toki lightly slapped his arm, “We buy from the same dealer thank you.”

He leaned down kissing him quickly then got up off of the bed, Skwisgaar watched him as he left and went into the bathroom. 

Skwisgaar remained lying on the bed for a couple of minutes before finally making himself get up, pull on a pair of jeans and go off to Pickles room to rummage through his friend's stash. It was common for them all to go through the drummer's drug collection, the guy had more than most of the drug dealers that they bought from. Oddly enough he would notice when something was missing, but he didn't say much about it these days. Skwisgaar would pay him back for it if he complained about it later on. By the time he got back to his own room Toki was out of the shower and sitting on his bed combing his fingers through his wet brown hair.

The older guitarist sat down in front of him, he handed him the bag full of joints and the lighter he had stolen from the red head's room as well. Toki took one for himself then handed one to his boyfriend, lighting up for both of them. 

“Can I borrow some of your clothes?”

“Sure, I figure you still have some of mine in your room.”

The younger man looked away feeling mildly embarrassed. He went to the closet and pulled out a shirt and pants, he did in fact still have some of his boyfriend's clothes in his closet. Though at the time he had been stealing clothes and shoes from him he swore up and down that he didn't have any of his things hidden in his room. 

Once he got dressed he went back to the bed and lay across the older musician's lap. Skwisgaar ran his fingers through his still wet hair.

There was something oddly peaceful and just generally normal about sitting together smoking their friend's weed. 

Skwisgaar leaned down kissing him, he ran his tongue across his lip before pulling back. Toki reached up placing a hand on his cheek, he moved his fingers from his skin to his hair twirling it around his index finger.

“I like your hair a lot, you're the reason I grew my hair out long.”

“I'm glad you did.”

“Mine almost looks better than yours.”

The older man rolled his eyes, “Almost” He responded smiling.

Toki sat up, he leaned his head against the taller man's shoulder and Skwisgaar wrapped an arm around his waist. Skwisgaar took a hit from his own joint holding the smoke in, he turned the younger man's face towards him. He placed his mouth over his pushing the smoke into his boyfriend's mouth, he pulled back breathing the smoke from his own lungs and watching as Toki did the same after a few seconds. He settled back down turning his head away each time he exhaled so as to not get smoke in the other man's face. He felt sated and happy with Skwisgaar's fingers trailing up and down along his side. The weed, the music playing on the stereo, and feeling secure made him almost forget what he'd been through. 

He needed this normality more than anything, he needed to feel like he wasn't less than he used to be. The way that Skwisgaar looked at him and kissed him like he needed him more than he realized he could need something secured that feeling in him. He didn't feel like running and hiding. Toki was more than happy to share a bed with the lead guitarist, to fall asleep curled up in his arms.


	11. The Nightmare Continues

Skwisgaar woke up in the middle of the night to his boyfriend thrashing around the bed as well as screaming and crying like something was attacking him. He moved away before he could get hit by one of the younger man's frantically flailing limbs, he grabbed him by his right arm only to have Toki roughly shove him away. 

“Stop let me go, please. Magnus I'm sorry, I'm sorry!”

“Toki stop, you're having a nightmare.”

He did his best trying to hold onto his arms then hold him by his shoulders, the younger guitarist hauled off and punched him in the jaw. Skwisgaar moved back, he held onto his aching jaw and watched his boyfriend continue to struggle against something that was in his mind. He went from thrashing to curling up on his side with his arms wrapped around his legs.

“Stop...Stop I didn't mean to make you mad, I'm sorry.”

“Toki it isn't real, come on....Come on look at me.”

The smaller man weakly pushed at him trying to make him move away, Skwisgaar took hold of his hand. He was pleased that he wasn't punched or shoved away this time, Toki rolled over to face him. His eyes were open and bright with tears and fear. The blond haired man gently stroked his cheek and brushed his hair, he leaned down kissing him on the side of the head.

“You're okay, it was just a nightmare.”

The brunette nodded slowly, he didn't trust himself to talk; if he opened his mouth he would stammer over his words like an idiot or he'd break down crying. He tugged at Skwisgaar's hand and groaned, he needed the other man close to him. He didn't trust that this was real, not right now; he wasn't sure he felt like it was safe to close his eyes. 

Skwisgaar lay down next to him, he wrapped his arm around his friend. Toki curled up against him hiding his face against his chest, Skwisgaar could feel the warmth of his uneven breathing as he worked to calm himself down.

“It's okay, you're safe now. Han är död, kan han inte skada dig längre. " 

Skwisgaar was relieved when Toki fell back to sleep, it was more of a relief when he didn't fall into another nightmare. As far as Skwisgaar could tell he was sleeping peacefully now. He wondered how long the nightmares would last for him, he tried to remember when his own nightmares had stopped. It had been so long ago he couldn't remember too well; it was all a part of his life he did his best to forget about it, but forgetting was a hard thing to do.

He idly played with strands of brown hair and thought back to it. Nobody had believed him, the people who believed that she had had sex with him had congratulated him. They had thought it was great he had gotten with an older woman, lost his virginity to his mother's friend. He felt sick to his stomach thinking about it, remembering the way her too sharp nails would dig into his skin holding him down when he would try to struggle away from her. 

When Toki whimpered in his sleep Skwisgaar held him more tightly as if to protect him from his own mind. 

“It's okay, I won't let anything else like that happen to you again.”

Nobody deserved to go through that. He couldn't believe that it had happened to him more than once, the thought made him anxious and sick feeling. He knew none of them could have done something to prevent Magnus from hurting him and they obviously couldn't have done anything about what his father had done to him when he'd been a child, but it felt like he should be able to do something. Skwisgaar wasn't a fan of being helpless, not having control over things that happened in his life. There was something so wrong about what had happened to him, Skwisgaar hated it; he hated Magnus had gotten off so easily. He wished he'd been able to kill him himself, especially now that he knew more about the things he had done to Toki.

There wasn't a lot that he could do to help or make it go away, but Skwisgaar wanted to give him the comfort and security he had needed back when he'd been younger.


	12. Sickness Always Follows

Toki woke up disoriented, he felt dizzy and nauseous; images from nightmares still floated through his mind. He moved out of bed and away from the sleeping figure of his boyfriend, he stumbled towards the bathroom and dropped down on his knees before the toilet. He held his hair back with one hand then proceeded to vomit. He gasped for breath, his body shook and hot tears fell from his eyes. He lifted his head rubbing the back of his hand across his mouth, he fell back onto the floor. He gathered himself then got up onto shaking legs, he looked towards the bed where Skwisgaar was sprawled on his back still asleep. He considered getting back into bed and curling up against him, but he didn't want to be close to another person right now. He felt like he needed time to himself and he should take his medication, it was close to time to take them. 

He felt isolated and nervous being back in his small bedroom by himself, but he felt like he needed this right now. 

He took the bottles from their container and sat them out, he took what he knew he could take this early and left what he'd have to wait to take later in the day. His stomach was still killing him, an hour later he was in his own bathroom throwing up. This time he just collapsed back onto the floor breathing heavily, he stared up at his ceiling counting spider webs. He used to do that, he used to keep track of the spiders and the webs they would make; he envied those fucking things just being able to slip beneath the cracks in the floor and find a way out. Animals, incests, everything...There were so many creatures that weren't bothered by the world that they lived in. They just did whatever they wanted; they lived to eat and sleep, to survive easily. He wanted to be that way, to just go through life like that. He missed when he could just go on with his life and repress all of the bad shit, it didn't matter, but now it was overwhelming. He was pretty sure he was drowning and nothing was making it any better. He just needed the pain to stop.

He curled up on his side on the bathroom floor, his stomach was killing him and there was a throbbing in his head. He should drink something, he should maybe even eat, but he didn't want to. He really did just want to lay there on the floor and wait for the pain to stop. He cried and whimpered from the pain that was filling him to the point it was the only thing he could feel, he closed his eyes when the room began to spin. 

Skwisgaar found him there on the bathroom floor, he pulled the younger musician onto his lap. Toki groaned and pushed weakly against his chest, but a second later he collapsed against him. 

“I feel sick and my head hurts.”

“Let's get you to bed, better than lying on the floor.”

He helped the brunette to his feet and guided him back into the bedroom. Skwisgaar carefully lay the younger man down on his bed, he considered leaving him, but Toki tugged on his arm and asked him to stay. He crawled into bed lying next to him, Skwisgaar draped an arm across his boyfriend's stomach and buried his face against the side of his neck. 

“Anything I can do?”

“Just stay here with me....I don't know if I want to be alone or not, but it scares me when I am alone.”

“I won't go anywhere unless you want me to.”

“Thank you Skwisgaar”

“Anytime my darling”


	13. Who Knew

Depression was hitting him hard as well as guilt. Toki wasn't sure if he wanted to tell any of his therapists about it, because that meant they would want to up his medication or they would want to switch to something else, something stronger. If they switched one thing then they would have to change the other medications to mesh well with the new anti depressants. He hated it, he hated the domino effect of being medicated. He rather just pop pills and deal with it, deal with it as long as he could. He found himself locking himself away more again, he knew that was a bad thing to do; he'd been doing well, but he was failing. When he didn't feel sick from migraines then he was just sick from the thoughts and voices going through his mind. It was like radio static, but he could figure out the voices. Every voice was against him, every one told him how disgusting and worthless he was. They told him things he didn't need to be told, because he already believed them. He knew he was gross and wrong, he knew he wasn't a good guitarist, or somebody who should have the life that he did. He knew his father was right and that he was a sinner, he knew that Magnus was right about him being a whore and a brat. 

The pills used to make it better, they made it so he couldn't really hear them that often or quite as loudly. He could ignore them, but in the past week or so it was getting bad again and he wasn't sure he wanted to tell anybody. Instead he kept to himself, he spent more time shut up in his own bedroom and less time around Skwisgaar. It was almost back to how it used to be. Most times when the blond would text him or call him he would ignore him, sometimes if the voice message or text was sad or worried enough he would respond; he would tell him he was fine, just tired. He wasn't going to do anything stupid, he was eating, but really he hadn't eaten for nearly two days now.

The lack of eating didn't help the feeling of nausea. He didn't even do it on purpose all that much, he just sort of lost track of the time. He would lay on his bed with his eyes closed and his arms wrapped around himself begging the voices in his head and the shit images from his shit past to just leave him alone. He couldn't even sleep without being plunged into those places. 

Somebody pounding against his door startled him, whoever was on the other side didn't wait for him to respond they just opened the door.

Nathan came into the room looking annoyed.

“It's been a week, you stopped doing this shit and now you're doing it again.”

“It's only been a week, I'm allowed to spend time alone.”

“You never used to want to be alone and I haven't seen you fucking eat for almost a week.”

“Things change.” He muttered to himself.

He groaned and tried to pull away when Nathan grabbed him up from the bed and carried him out of the room. He was at a point in his life where he didn't really argue it when Nathan picked him up like a rag doll and just carried him places. The singer was generally blunt and had a short line of patience with his friends. It didn't stop him from muttering in Norwegian about how much of an asshole the older musician was though. 

Nathan sat the younger musician down as gently as he could, Toki sat down on one of the metal chairs in the kitchen and folded his arms across his chest. He glared up at his friend who glared down at him, Pickles sat at the other end of the table and took a long drink from the bottle of whiskey he had in his hand. There was nothing more tense or awkward than the two more alpha minded members of their group staring each other down. Pickles used to try to figure out who could take who in a fight, he had seen Nathan lose his shit plenty of times to know what he could do to a guy, but he'd heard Toki had murdered a guy with his bare hands. 

“Stop acting like a brat, it's annoying.”

“I'm not being a brat, I want to be alone. Is that too much to fucking ask?”

“God you weren't even this annoying as a fucking teenager.” The black haired man muttered.

“Asshole” 

“What did you just call me?”

Toki shook his head and looked away from the larger man. He didn't need to get into a fight with him, not like he even really wanted to get into a fight with him. He also wasn't entirely sure he could win in a fight with Nathan if one was to ever take place.

“Just fucking eat something, you look sick as hell.”

“I'm not hungry”

“Well too fucking bad.”

The younger man begrudgingly ate the food that the vocalist shoved in front of him. He kept all less than pleasant comments to himself. 

“Hey dude what's with you and Skwisgaar?” Pickles asked after twelve minutes of eerily tense silence.

“Nothing, why?”

“Guy's been fucking moping around lately, he was happy....As happy as his fucking ass gets anyways, now he's all weird.”

“What makes you think it has something to do with me?” The younger man shot back.

“Relax, damn...I'm saying, because anytime you two fuckers get into it he gets weird.”

“I never noticed.”

The red head rolled his eyes, he took another drink.

“Yeah, because you're usually off pouting and being a complete dick head.”

“I didn't do anything.”

“You talk to him?”

The younger man began eating again just to stall on answering the question he'd been asked. He couldn't remember the last text or call he'd responded to, but it might have been awhile since he'd bothered responding.

“I guess, I don't remember when.”

He should talk to him, he knew that he should; he really missed him. He had no real reason to be avoiding him, being alone wasn't doing him any good. He would go and talk to him, later, but soon later. 

After about thirty minutes of eating enough to make himself feel sick all over again he left the kitchen and went back to his room. He was slightly disappointed to not find Skwisgaar in there, he'd hoped to see him like he usually would. Maybe the other guitarist did think he was pissed off at him for some reason, it wouldn't be the first time. They were good at fighting and at ignoring each other, it was almost part of their over dramatic nature. 

Toki spent a long restless amount of time in his room, mostly dedicated to lying on his bed listening to the god awful static inside of his head. He took his medication that was supposed to make the voices go away or at least make them less vocal. He left his room and went to Skwisgaar's.

He found the guitarist's sitting on his bed, his guitar rest on his lap, he wasn't playing it though. He held a small glass pipe in his hand and took a long drag from it, he held the smoke in his lungs then released it coughing and hacking at the god awful taste.

Skwisgaar raised his head and pushed his hair back out of his face when he heard his door close. Toki stood staring at him, he couldn't really gauge his expression; it was that odd thing where he was hiding whatever he was thinking or feeling. The blond haired man smiled lazily up at him and motioned for him to come closer. 

“I thought you said you quit.” 

The blond looked down at the pipe in his hand, he bit at his bottom lip as he looked at it. He considered taking another hit, but Toki took it from his hand.

“That's mine” Skwisgaar whined, he reached for the pipe but the shorter man held it out of reach.

“Not right now it isn't.”

The younger musician smoked from it, he didn't keep the smoke in his lungs as long as his friend. He hated meth, there wasn't much about it he liked. His friends all liked it for some reason and it seemed to be one of Skwisgaar's drug weak spots, but personally Toki couldn't stand it. He liked weed or ecstasy, he liked anything he considered motivating or just made him feel good. The sounds in his head told him he didn't need to feel good though, this wasn't helping with the pains he felt.

Skwisgaar took the pipe away from him and shot his boyfriend a look.

“I don't want you doing this crap.”

“Like I want you doing it.”

Skwisgaar continued to smoke, he needed it.

“Are you okay, you've been in your room a lot.”

“I'm just doing badly right now, it'll be okay.”

The older man shook his head causing his hair to fall down around his face, he pushed it back behind his ear and turned his attention towards the shorter man. He placed a hand against his cheek and smiled sadly at him.

“Skwis tell me what's going on.”

He was actually impressed when Skwisgaar put the pipe to the side, he felt confused when he handed him his guitar though.

Skwisgaar lay down on his back, he folded his hands behind his head and glanced at the younger guitarist.

“Play something for me.”

“You know I don't..”

He didn't practice, he didn't play when they recorded, and after the hell Magnus had given him all because of guitar he wasn't sure he wanted to do it at all.

“I've played a billion times for you, just once...I like hearing you play.”

“God Skwisgaar you really are stoned off your ass aren't you?”

“Please”

“Sure, fine....Just don't smoke anymore meth.”

Skwisgaar nodded in agreement, he closed his eyes and listened with a calm interest when his friend started to play one of their old songs. 

Admittedly there was something therapeutic in playing guitar after so long, he would have to do it again soon anyway. They would have to work on their next and possibly final album soon, he needed to start playing again. Besides it got his mind off of the bad things he'd been obsessing over recently.

“Play something new for me.”

“We don't have anything new.”

“Make something up then.”

Toki sighed heavily, he looked back at the older man. Skwisgaar was staring at him through half lidded blood shot eyes. 

“You don't even like the style I play.”

“Yeah I do, it's what got you into the band.” 

“Fine just don't complain about it sucking.”

“I won't.”

With his depressive mood what he played came out much softer than what they were prone to playing, the tone was dark and melancholy. It reminded him of the times he would play piano when he had been a teenager. 

Skwisgaar sat up so he could better watch his boyfriend play guitar. 

Toki smiled softly when the taller man pushed his hair out of the way then pressed his lips against the side of his neck. He tilted his head slightly to the side, the melody he played sped up slightly becoming less depressive. 

“I'm sorry I've been ignoring you.”

“It's fine, just happy to see you're okay.”

He wasn't sure he really could consider himself to be doing okay, but he hadn't done anything to harm himself outside of small amounts of starvation. He sighed when Skwisgaar bit at his neck.

“What's been bothering you?” Toki asked curiously.

Skwisgaar pulled back, he sat there quietly as he thought over if he was wasted enough to talk about this. After everything his friend had willingly confessed to him he felt like he owed him something, he should tell him.

“There's something I want to tell you, but I wasn't sure when or how.”

The younger man sat the guitar to the side and turned so he could properly look at his partner.

“What is it?”

He had a feeling he knew what this could be about. Skwisgaar averted his eyes and chewed nervously on his bottom lip.

Toki placed a hand over his, the taller man smiled at him.

“It's okay, you were there for me.”

Skwisgaar nodded, but he still couldn't look him in the eye when he talked about what had happened to him as a teenager.

“A woman my mom was friends with....She came around a lot, they would drink and talk about their work.”

He smiled to himself, he had spent a good portion of his life pretending to not know that his mother was a prostitute. In one way it was shameful the way she was, he had nothing against the profession, but the way his mother did it was dangerous. She left for so many days or weeks without a word, she brought stranger after stranger to their home where her child was just in the next room where anybody could get to him and hurt him. He used to pretend she just had a lot of boyfriends or male friends, she preferred him thinking that way.

“The woman she was friends with liked me a lot, I was just thirteen...She would stare at me, watch me, and ask about me. When I would bring them drinks she would touch my arm or run her fingers through my hair and it made me so fucking uncomfortable...”

Skwisgaar picked the pipe up again, Toki refrained from saying anything to him this time. The smoke polluting his lungs and clouding up his brain made it easier to remember this and to talk about it.

“My mom left for awhile once, a day or whatever....Her friend was the one who came by knowing damn well she wasn't home. She said she wanted to keep me company until my mom came back and I was lonely, I didn't like being alone....I still don't like being alone...”

Even the drugs couldn't numb the pain from back then, how confused and scared he had been. Skwisgaar rubbed at his eyes when the tears started to fall.

“Sorry” He muttered embarrassed.

Toki took hold of his wrist pulling his hand away from his face, he held Skwisgaar's hand between his own.

“Don't be...You don't have to tell me everything if you don't want to.”

“I need to, because...You're the only person who won't mock me or tell me I'm an idiot, I know that.”

Skwisgaar took another hit before he decided to go on.

“I brought her a drink, it had to have been her sixth or something like that. She grabbed my hand and placed it on her chest, asked me if I'd been with any girls....I hadn't, I was still a fucking kid....I wanted to get away, I know I did and I tried to get away from her, but I was scared. I was scared and she wouldn't let me go, she pinned me down on the couch and....I didn't want to. I didn't want to have sex with her, but I did and it was so fucking awful.”

He lowered his head feeling secure wit his hair concealing his face from view. Toki pulled him into his arms holding him, he rubbed a hand along the older musician's back wanting to soothe him.

“I told my mom and she didn't believe me, she called me a filthy liar....People I considered friends thought I was bragging, they thought it was great I fucked an older woman. It just kept happening until she finally fucking moved away...Every time I told myself that I had to want it or else I wouldn't be doing it, but I didn't fucking want her. I didn't want her near me and the smell of her perfume and...I didn't want her.”

“Shh I believe you, you were just a kid. She hurt you, that wasn't right....You didn't do anything wrong.”

Skwisgaar kept his face buried against the younger guitarist's chest, he didn't feel like moving from this spot. He finally found somebody who believed him who could tell him he had been a victim of some sick bored middle aged woman.

“I knew I could trust you, you're the only person outside of Sweden who knows about this.”

“It'll stay between us, you don't have to worry about that.”

“Thank you, Gods this means so much to me.”

Toki kissed the top of his head, the blond haired man lifted his head looking up at him. He felt warm and content when his boyfriend kissed him. Toki held his face in his hands, his thumbs brushing away the tears that stained his pale cheeks. 

“I love you Skwisgaar.”

“It's funny how much I believe it when you say that. You always put so much passion into it, just like when you used to say you hated me.” Skwisgaar observed.

“I'm a passionate person.” He answered smirking.

“Stay with me tonight?”

“It's only four in the afternoon.”

“Then the rest of the day.”

Toki kissed him quickly.

“Okay, I'll stay....I missed you anyway, I've been lonely as hell.”

Toki hated being alone despite how much time he dedicated to isolating himself recently.

They both felt safe and secured lying together on the large bed, holding onto one another and sharing secrets that nobody else would understand or know how to handle.


	14. Meth and What Ifs

Toki woke up whimpering and crying, there was a moment where his muscles tensed and he feared that his dream was true, but he realized other wise. He still waited to see glowing eyes and a gleaming metal mask though, but the room was empty. He stared out the large window, but saw nothing out of the usual there. He rubbed at his eyes silently cursing himself for crying, but the more he thought about his dream the more he ended up crying. 

Lips pressed against the back of his neck and he could hear his boyfriend humming softly.

“What's wrong?”

“I had a dream that the Assassin was still alive.”

He wasn't even all that sure that the white haired man really was dead, did they know for sure? Half of the time Toki was sure that the Assassin was some sort of a half demon or demigod like the five of them. He never seemed all that human, it was like he couldn't die easily. 

Skwisgaar kissed his shoulder blade, with each kiss he felt the younger guitarist relax just the tiniest bit.

“He wanted to kill me again, because of his brother....I couldn't get to anybody or get him away from me, he was just there in my room with me.”

There had been too many times he expected the Assassin to just kill him. He hadn't been much of a patient man, he had gotten on so well with Magnus, because he thought the old guitarist had the same ideas as him. He had been pissed off when he found out the half blind man had no real intent on killing, just on making people suffer for sins they hadn't committed.

“He can't hurt you, he's dead.”

“How do we even know for sure, did they even find anything of his body?”

“They found his mask and some parts they're sure are his.”

It wasn't reassuring, but Skwisgaar was trying his best for three in the morning.

“What if he came back for me, if he wasn't dead?”

“Tokis we have an entire army, he wouldn't even get in here.”

The blond haired man rolled over onto his stomach, he groaned into his pillow when he felt Toki move mostly on top of his back. He could feel his friend's breath against his shoulder.

“He's an assassin”

“So are most of our employees....It was just a crap dream, go back to sleep.”

“I can't, I don't even like sleeping too much. I think I'm going to go to my room for awhile.”

“You want me to come with you?”

“No you can sleep, sorry about waking you up.”

Skwisgaar grunted in reply, he closed his eyes and fell back to sleep. He only woke for a second when he heard the sound of his door sliding shut.

Toki spent an hour in his own room just sitting there on his bed with a slight paranoia that Magnus or the Assassin could possibly come for him again. Even in death they terrified him, a lot of dead people terrified him. He could almost hear their voices in his head taunting and cursing him for the fact he lived while they had died, died because of him. 

He drank rum to try and forget about his nightmares, at least he hadn't thrown up after this one. That was a good sign, he was pretty sure that it was a good sign. He felt so stupid and repetitive being scared of the same things, the same ghosts. There would be a point in his life where he would repress the memories of Magnus, he would forget the man ever existed and that he had trusted him so quickly and so willingly. He would forget, because he needed to do that to survive. He just wasn't sure how he would forget and repress it.

He looked at the glass pipe he held in his hand, maybe the meth he'd stolen from Skwisgaar's stash would help with forgetting. As much as he hated the shit he figured it couldn't hurt in the way of forgetting bad things.

The way the rotted smoke filled his lungs and burned his throat made him choke and cough, but it made him feel less empty. That was the thing about smoking, smoking anything really; the feeling of smoke filling his lungs gave him this painful sense of comfort. Drugs of any kind tended to be a very good form of distraction, of self harm. A distraction was something he was desperately needing, something to get him away from himself. Meth always left his mouth disgustingly dry and his head fuzzy, it was nice, but it made the sight in his left eye somehow worse than it already had been. He leaned back against his wall slumping down until he was nearly laying on the bed. 

In his mind he could picture things he was trying to forget, but he felt numb to them. He smiled lazily when he pictured the way Magnus had kept him chained like a dog, the way he would even feed him out of a dog food bowl. He hadn't thought of them as human beings, Toki had never really been his friend. He'd been the teenager he fixated his hatred on and let it burn that way for several years. It was creepy thinking that some middle aged man saw him back when he was sixteen and decided he hated him, wanted him dead. He laughed when he thought about it, thought about how the old bastard had to stalk him for all that time and just wait for the perfect moment. He'd chosen well, he chose him at a point where he was willing to befriend literally anybody. It was better than nobody, anybody was better than nobody. He'd been alone too much as a child, even at thirteen when he'd run away and lived in town with a friend his friends had been shit people. They had been stuck up metal heads who picked on him and didn't like him, but they would allow him to stay with them and they hung out with him. So he took it, because he'd take whatever he could get.

His whole life was that way, even his love life. He dated any female who even looked his way, because he hoped that they would love him. He would look at them with adoration and romance, but they just saw lust and dollar signs. He hated that, but he ignored it, because he needed to be loved. Now he had Skwisgaar and he was happy about that, but at the same time it made him anxious. It made him feel like maybe in some way that wasn't right either. He was pretty sure Skwisgaar just needed him right now, needed him because he was scared of losing him. Toki hated being alone and feeling unloved though, he would take it. He would tell himself Skwisgaar was deeply in love with him, because he needed that. He didn't like being alone and he was pretty sure when the blond haired man looked into his eyes he looked at him with love and compassion. He wasn't stuck on lust and money, but maybe that was just what Toki wanted to see. He didn't know and God right now he really didn't even care.

If his father knew he was dating another man he would be furious, probably even furious enough to kill his son. It was funny to think about, it was currently funny to him thinking about the things his father had done to him down in that hole. The way he talked to him and touched him, beaten him, and yet he could still condemn homosexuality. He could damn everybody to hell for their life styles, but he'd done such awful things to his own son. He would murder him if he knew his son was with another man. He knew his mother would be angry about it, if she ever found out she would hit him. Every time she came to visit he could feel the stinging in his cheek when he looked at her, he would flinch when she came close to him and place his hand against his own face when she looked his way. He could never get it out of his mind the way she would hit him, but he never knew why. She never said the reason why, but she hit him. It was like she was disgusted by him, too disgusted to show him love, and too disgusted to want to waste her time lashing him.

Before he could bring the pipe to his lips Skwisgaar grabbed it out of his hand. The younger man glared up at him, he tried to sit up so he could get his pipe away from the other man, but he ended up falling back down onto the bed.

“I thought you didn't even like this shit....wait is this mine?”

“Yeah I got it from your room while you were in the bath.”

“So I can't smoke it, but you can?”

“I thought you were sleeping.”

Skwisgaar rolled his eyes. He placed the pipe down on the night stand then sat down on the bed next to his boyfriend. 

“That was two hours ago.”

Toki managed to move closer to the other musician, he lay down resting his head on his lap and staring up at him. Skwisgaar pet his fingers back through his hair.

“I was thinking about how my mom used to hit me.” He said smiling softly.

“That's really terrible”

“I still flinch when I see her....She only comes around to fuck guys and take money from me.”

“Same with my mom, it's disgusting.”

Toki placed a hand over Skwisgaar's stomach, he ran his fingers over his skin.

“She can sleep with guys here and make out with ladies, but if she knew I was with you it'd be all damning me to hell....It's funny how that works.”

“She's a hypocrite and a crap mom.”

“No worse than yours.”

Skwisgaar took hold of his hand once it reached his chest, he brought it up to his lips kissing his palm.

“I hope she doesn't come here again after what happened to you.”

It hurt when Skwisgaar realized his own mother probably wouldn't have cared if it had been him in that situation. It took her until he was twenty-three to realize her son had been repeatedly molested, to actually believe it, and be sorry.

“She will, probably around Christmas....It's okay I don't mind, I just kind of avoid her.”

“You'll have me if that helps.”

Toki smiled up at him.

“That's a long time from now, you sure you'll still want to be dating me by then?”

“I don't see why I wouldn't, I love you a lot.”

He felt so lazy and content right then, he felt happy each time he felt Skwisgaar's lips press against his hand or against his wrist.

“There's millions of not so crazy girls who could be more fun to be with.”

“I've already been with them, not so great.” The older man scoffed.

He felt done with it, with them; he worried he would slip or want a more open relationship, but now he didn't. He just wanted to be with one person, because he needed him.

Toki got up and moved himself onto the taller man's lap, he wrapped his arms around his neck, and leaned in kissing him hard. Skwisgaar groaned, he placed a hand on his back steadying him and pulling him in closer. The smaller musician pushed him back onto the bed, Skwisgaar moaned when he felt a hand between his legs rubbing at him through his jeans. He spread his legs for the other man and moved against his hand, he moaned into the kiss. 

“Am I as good as them?” Toki asked curiously.

“Better, million times better.”

The younger musician laughed.

“I know better than that.” He whispered against the side of his neck.

Toki was taken by surprise when Skwisgaar moved him onto his back, he looked up at the blond haired man.

“Big difference between you and groupies; I love you, not them.”

“Do you still want them?”

The taller man shrugged, he moved his hand up and down the younger man's side.

“Every now and again, but I wouldn't get with anybody....I just want to focus on you.”

“You don't have to worry about me, do what you want Skwisgaar.”

Skwisgaar shook his head, he kissed his boyfriend passionately. When he broke away they were both left breathing heavily.

“I want you, that's all I want right now....and besides I'm already too much like my mom.”

“You're better than her.” Toki tried to defend, he caressed his fingers against the other man's cheek.

“I'm crap, just like her...I'm too much like her, it scares me.”

The brown haired man kissed him gently.

“You aren't, I wouldn't be with you if you were just like her.”

Everybody had a tendency of inheriting and picking up their parents traits, the bad ones were the traits that seemed to stick the most. It didn't make any of them better or worse than one another, it sure as hell didn't make them their parents. 

“I can't even say for sure I can be with you and not sleep around, that sounds like something she does.”

“We'll work on that later, don't worry about it....You love me, yeah?”

“Yeah”

“Then nothing else is important to me right now.”

Skwisgaar moaned when his boyfriend kissed him, he felt tingly when fingers pulled at his hair and sharp teeth bit at his lip. He was scared of the future, the present, and the past; even the present was such an unsure thing. Just there was assurance in the way Toki was touching him and kissing him, lazy, but love filled touches that made him believe he wasn't a selfish whore like his mother. God he wanted to believe that even if it was a lie.


	15. This is Our New Beginning (and an ending)

He wasn't sure he could do this, no there was no way in Hell he could do this. There was what, two million people out there, people watching. It never bothered him before. Okay maybe the first handful of times that they played together it had bothered him. He hadn't been used to being around people, but over time he learned to basically need people to like him and to notice him. Just now he rather go back onto their nice private jet and hide away in his nice big bed and forget this shit. He didn't want to do this, he couldn't do this.

He jumped when he felt a hand squeeze his shoulder, he looked back to see Skwisgaar standing there looking down at him.

“You'll be okay, you always are.”

Toki smirked and shook his head.

“Since when? You always have something to say I did wrong after a show.”

“Not this time, I want to change things....I'll show you, trust me. Yeah?”

Toki held his gaze for a beat or two before nodding in agreement. Yeah he trusted him, he loved him, and he was still pretty sure that Skwisgaar loved him too. He felt his anxiety ebb away in the smallest bit when the blond haired man leaned down and kissed him. He watched as the lead guitarist left him to be alone for at least another second, then he would have to follow him out on stage. He would have to play guitar in front of millions of people for the first time in what felt like ages. He'd been practicing lately, for once he was playing guitar as often as Skwisgaar. He really wanted to work at it this time, he knew he was different than Skwisgaar. He hadn't had to pay a guy for lessons or read books on how to play guitar, he couldn't even name the chords. He just played. He would sit in his friend's pot smoke filled bedroom at night and listen to Iron Maiden records with him on that crap player of his father's. His friends would be amazed at how well the reverend's son could play guitar without any real guidance. It was like the music coming from the speakers translated into his own body. 

He never understood it, but over time he took it for granted. He knew he was special, it was how he ever kept up with Skwisgaar. They spoke the same language, but they learned this language in different ways. For so long it made the music they played heavy and beautiful in a chaotic way, a chaotic beauty. Over time it became a battle, the man who learned through hundred dollar lessons from age fourteen to age twenty-one to the man who picked up a guitar at ten and knew how to play like a fallen God by age thirteen.

Now was different though. He wasn't relying on Skwisgaar's word for that, he believed it himself, because it felt different. It could be the drugs and the booze in his system telling him so, but things were changing and not in the form of a downward spiral that they had been before. He had reached rock bottom, fuck he was still down there. Just he was climbing out, slowly, but he was.

When he stepped out on stage alongside his friends he felt sick, he felt like he could have a panic attack or puke. They sounded like good options, but he wasn't alone. This was different, the energy was different. Things felt less menacing and almost renewed. His anxiety vanished when he started to play, he followed alongside Skwisgaar, backing him up and following in the melody he created. He would glance towards his friend and nod at him, the taller man would smirk. They weren't competing, this was no longer the 'who has the bigger dick' of music competitions, this was them playing together. God they hadn't played for so many years, Toki smiled thinking about it. He felt something more pure in this, something joyful. When he looked at Skwisgaar again half way through their set the taller man was smiling at him. They stayed close together, each time Toki caught up with him the older man would move just one pace faster to leave him just that small bit behind. He didn't mind though, because it wasn't like it used to be. There was something comforting and soul healing in playing a solo alongside his friend, the man who gave him a place to live, and let him know he wasn't the only one who came from a bad home life. He felt like his musical equal for the first time in years and he could never express how much he loved that, how much he had needed that.

By the time the show as over and they left to the back stage area he felt full of adrenaline, he felt ecstatic. He took hold of Skwisgaar's hand pulling him off to the side away from the rest of their band. He pushed him up against a stack of back up speakers, took his face in his hands and kissed him hard. Skwisgaar wrapped his arms around the younger musician holding him close, he smiled against his lips laughing lightly when the shorter man pulled back.

“You did great.”

“Thanks Skwisgaar....I really mean it, I missed being like that.”

The blond haired man nodded in agreement, he pushed strands of hair back behind the shorter man's ear. He leaned down kissing him gently, his fingers gently running against his paint smeared face.

“I missed it too....Makes me feel like how it was in the beginning.”

“This is a new beginning for us then, right?” 

Skwisgaar smiled at him, he loved him; he was getting better, they both were. There were still the nightmares, the long periods of intense depression, and medical issues, but he was improving. He was strong, he wasn't sure why the hell they kept on forgetting that. 

“Yeah this is a new beginning for all of us.” He replied, he leaned down kissing him deeply.

Toki moaned into the kiss, he tangled his fingers in sweaty blond hair. It was a new beginning, the world around them was changing and something in the five of them was changing too. They could feel the static energy, the excitement of whatever Hell or salvation would come.


End file.
